No, I’m not in Aussie right now..I wish I could, but no.
Just wanna say that I’m feeling down, blue, grey, black..I dunno, just pick any colour that is depressing to you. Although my attire doesn’t represent the mentioned colours, but I feel down mcm rakyat Johor yg tengah berkabung plak huhu.
I know it’s the hormones kicking in right now. That’s the easiest excuse you can use for this mum-to-be. But sometimes, I know it’s the harsh reality that is making me feel like this.
Down. Lonely. Emotional. Kalo dalam erti kata Melayunya..rasa nak sepakkkkk je sesape yg carik pasal dgn aku arini.
I’m getting ttttttttttthiiiiiiiiiiissssssssss close to slap anybody’s cheeks and mouth out there who makes another remark of my small baby bump. It’s really hurting my feelings, and whenever I’m hurt or down, lil one inside isn’t really active, mcm tau² je mummy dia tgh bergelut dgn perasaan yg susah utk dia lawan. Mcm nak bagi space kat mummy dia utk kewl down je. Xleh ke ckp ayat yg manis² sket mcm “takpela asalkan doctor ckp everything is fine, tade masalah with you and d baby..dedue sihat tu yg penting kan?” ni tak..it’s always the hubby who has to comfort me with those words which nowadays isn’t really making an effect to me now. I’ve done my research, kalo 5bulan..estimated weight is around 450gm, my baby is 410gm..bukannya haluih bebeno pun! dah masuk 23 weeks pun it’s expected to be 500g je. Geram ok when I say the weight of the baby belum sampai 1kg yet and yet ada response ala² muka shocking and says remark like “ishh nanti kecik sgt masuk incubator kang..” Sakit jiwa berdepan dgn org camni. Sakit dada menahan marah. Yang paling sayu last night I crumbled down silently to myself and talked to lil one “jgn amik ati ye syg kalo org kata those things to you. yang penting syg sihat kan and tgh membesar. takpe i’ll try to be strong for you ye, yang penting both you and I know what’s best for you.” and bila dah abeh ckp lil one menendang..mcm mengiyekan je apa yg dah dickp kat dia. Terus meleleh air mata mcm air terjun tapi kene kesat cecepat tanak kasi hubby tau.
It’s hard being strong, but I have to. It’s hard accepting the fact when you need your loved ones the most, they can’t always be there for you. I really hope that my parents can be there for me during these period of time, but sadly they can’t. They’re too engrossed with my bro’s situation back at home. I have to understand that. Baru masuk form 1, new school, new routine, new kelengkapan..I know they can’t always go down here to Shah Alam to visit me. Me going up north? hmm tu pun satu persoalan gak. Skang budget dah mula diperuntukkan utk lil one. Cuti CNY pun tatau balik Penang ke tak..dahla parents dah awal² ckp “kalo ko tak balik cni, kitorang dah plan nak gi jenjalan elsewhere” Koyak rabak ati ni..mcm aih susahnya nak bersama korang ni😦 Apetah lagi masa berpantang, I’m stuck here. They can only come down for a max of 1 week, tu pun my mum alone. Hubby kept on insisting to remain wif the inlaws..tau tak betapa peritnya nak menerima kenyataan itu, u want ur own mum but yet..hmm malas nak sambung ayat tu. Perkara sensitif. Tak kisah la first week at the in laws and the remaining weeks onwards aku nak p Penang ke nak mak aku jaga ke ape ke..IT’S STILL NOT THE SAME. I WANT MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD TO TAKE CARE OF ME FIRST. Susah sgt ke permintaan aku ni? Yes susah..mcm xda sape leh fulfill it.
And then it goes down to the lil things that is making me emotional. Climax of the day – kena gi service kete alone. Mementang la keje aku ni flexible, byk cuti, byk freedom and he is stuck in an industry yg memanjang busy, cuti tak byk, tak byk freedom..aku gak yg kene sacrifice diri. So I decided i’ll take half day tomorrow, called up Toyota buat appointment, tomorrow sendiri drive gi sana, sendiri dok termenung tunggu kete siap, sendiri setel pape yg patut. Sux gila. Mcm org single je rasa or someone in an LDR or LDM je. Last Friday pun amik half day lagi nak uruskan hal kete bodo ni lagi. Again for the same reason. He is busy. I’m not busy. U go settle, I remain in the office. But yet you keep on calling me non stop asking me my status. Dah kuar umah blm, dah sampai bank blm. Bila ada complication, aku dah hangin satu badan kata aku bikin kecoh. Pastu kene tunggu salesman bongok tu lagi. Termenung lagi aku. Bila dah settle, haku gak yg rushing p office.
Sometimes I feel like people are taking advantage of me just because I can be independent, I’m not the manja type of person who craves for belaian mesra and what nots. Tapi sometimes tu, korang nak ape saja, nak ajak teman here,do dis do dat..rain or shine, migraine or no migraine, sangap or tak sangap ada je muka aku utk do things for you. But when I need something in return..it’s always ayat yg sama “bebila la eh..” “tengok la dulu camne”
Seriously lil one…..I silently hope you’re a boy. Bole la bila besar nanti you be my bodyguard. I’m tired dear..nanti dah besar sape carik pasal dgn mummy blasah je dorang eh. Huhu.