The day finally came; my parents were due to go for their Hajj pilgrimage on this day. After months of emotionally and mentally preparing me for this day, it finally came. I was fighting back my tears most of the time because I did not want them to worry about me, especially my lil bro. I did not want him to see me being vulnerable unable to let them go. It became harder as the closer the days and the hours came; the more he showed his sadness. He kept on hugging me, pestering me to join them. Sesket merengek, sesket peluk ckp “kakak..ikut la skali kakk..plz. Kami nak kakak ada skali” I could only shake my head. Ni yang payah bile ada adik laki kecik yg tak baligh lagi, he is still manja. Kalo dah beso panjang, sah2 jgn harap die nak peluk aku nak nangeh sume cukup kan? Hehe.
I can’t really describe how I’m feeling now. 2 days has passed but still all the images of that day still kept on flashing back in my mind. Seeing them pack their bags, checking if all items are in order. Seeing them change their attire, especially my mum with her white mini telekung with the tulisan jawi “Malaysia” at the back.
Paling tak tahan when it was time for us to send them off to Tabung Haji and my uncle recited the azan at the front door. Laju mencurah2 airmata time tu, my parents were busy hugging relatives who weren’t unable to send them off, I just stood at one corner of the living room, numb looking at the drama enrolled in front of me. I was the last to leave the house with Mr Fiance, from that moment was the time that all responsibilities are on me. Kene kunci pintu, kena make sure barang tak tinggal, even time nak kunci pintu pun airmata dok mencurah2 lagi coz ntahla a part of me kept on saying I’m not ready to do this alone..I still need my family. But I know I must not be selfish at this point of time.
The journey to Kelana Jaya was unexpectedly smooth. We all had anticipated that there would be traffic jams along the way as we left the house at 6.30pm, but there were none. Nampak sgt Tuhan nak memudahkan perjalanan jemaah haji ni. I was in my car with Mr Fiance only, sekali skala airmata tu jatuh lagi along the way. Mr Fiance was only able to hold my hand the entire journey but that was already comforting enough for me. We reached there just before azan Maghrib and was there until 9pm.
My utmost appreciation goes out to my relatives who helped my parents to settle their documentation, their tags, their luggages sume la. Mmg sangat sedey, tatau nak ckp camne..sebagai anak sulung mmg kalo bleh u always want the best for ur parents. Adik aku kecik lagi, tatau sgt lagi ape yg kene buat. When they were queing up to register themselves, when I saw my dad carrying like 4 begs at both his left and right hand wif another 2 begs on his shoulder just breaks my heart so much. Rasa cam nak pass through the security barrier and help him je to carry the bags coz that is what I usually do. It has always been me and my dad yg buat keje berat2, and when I’m not there, nampak sgt ada something missing. At the same time my heart goes out to my mum as well, kat sana kan byk mende terpisah antara jemaah laki dan pompuan. At least my dad has my lil bro to accompany him, but my mum will be alone..mana la aku tak mencurah2 airmata as I waved goodbye to them.
Sampai umah je, my house penuh lagi dgn sedare mara but I felt like a zombie. I still felt empty, mcm sepenuh mana umah aku ni, it will still be different. But I had to buckle up myself, parents dah bagi amanah utk jaga diri, jaga umah, layankan sedare yg nak tido kat umah mlm tu. So dlm mata dok bengkak2 tu, pegi la tapau makanan utk dorang, kemaskan tempat tido and while they have gone to sleep, I was still awake downstairs at the kitchen kemaskan pape yg patut sambil sesket tgk fon waiting for updates from my parents. I finally slept at 1.30am after I received my last sms of the day from my mum that they’re already on the plane. Bile bangun pagi the next day pun dok pegang je tepon tu waiting for them to land and for their sms. They arrived at Madinah at 10.20am yesterday.
Today is Friday, since last nite I was already home alone back to usual routine. No relatives are with me now, only me and Ciki. Banyak lagi keje umah tak setel, am doing it bit by bit. Even as I write this entry pun I was crying the whole time. Apetah lagi bile wat keje umah when the house is still surrounded by their stuff, seolah2 cam dorang ada tp hakikatnya dorang tade..basuh baju dorang, lipat baju dorang..even seeing my dad’s car at the driving porch pond ah buat aku sebak. Aih..i’m not being dramatic, all these while mmg I am fine living alone coz mmg tade choice kan dah rezeki keje kat sini, nak buat camne. Tp bile once in a while terasa cam umah yg slama ni kosong, tetibe rasa complete with ur parents car at the compound, with them ada kat sini more than 2 days, it finally feels like home. And then tup tup, they’re gone again…aihh. Paham kan what I’m trying to say? Marilah kite sesame doakan agar segala urusan dorang dipermudahkan dan selamat balik ke Msia. Amin…
K laa..gotta do some household chores now. Till my next update.